History: You are Mike McDermott once again, but this time hold a depleted ‘roll of $10,000. You owe KGB more money than you have, so decide to take him on in a match to the death, heads-up. It’s been an eventful night: first you cleaned him out, then he goaded you back before retrieving his chips, then you jumped ahead again after spotting a tell and titling him.
The blinds have just risen to $100/200 and Teddy is on the button.
Teddy limps.
You look down at 9s-8s
What’s your move? Do you like Oreos?
Eoin Kennedy says:
“Check is fine, I am happy to see a flop with our hand.”
Gareth Cash says:
“Check. No point bloating the pot out of position against a strong opponent, let’s see a free flop and go from there. I hate Oreos!”
Adam Latimer says:
“If Teddy is quite tight and passive I would raise to $700 in order to potentially steal the blinds, but also to represent a strong holding post-flop. Otherwise I would check because we are out of position.
Oreos are very tasty. I like to separate the two halves and eat them one by one.”
Richie Allen says:
“I check here, raising out of position here versus Teddy is spew. Oreos rock!”
Joe Whittaker says:
“This is a pretty clear check in my eyes, no need to inflate the pot when so deep (150 big blinds) and you have a hand that you don’t mind seeing a flop with. I’d probably only be raising my absolute premium hands here and tearing his apart on my button because he is clearly playing very poorly out of position against me.”
James Keys says:
“Probably check, I would hate to get limp-raised off such a pretty hand. Chocolate digestives ftw.”
James Atkin says:
“I'm happy to check this pretty hand back out of position and try and flop something big. Yes, I like Oreos, anyone who missed trying the McDonalds Oreo McFlurry should consider.”
You check.
Flop: 6d-7s-Th
What’s your move? Have you ever heard a Russian speak like Teddy KGB?
Eoin Kennedy says:
“Check and give Teddy a chance to bet.”
Gareth Cash says:
“Nice flop! Checking is probably best on a board this dry but it’s good to lead out sometimes too. If you often lead out when you flop a pair, or a draw, then you have to do the same sometimes when you flop the nuts.”
Adam Latimer says:
“I would lead $400 into this flop. As we have flopped the nuts we want to manipulate the pot so that we can eventually get all the money in. If we check to trap, we may get a small amount of value from a lesser hand on later streets, but this is a wasted opportunity with such a strong holding. Leading looks weaker than a check-raise and usually has a better chance of winning a big pot.
I’ve not heard many Russians speak in person, but Malkovich’s French accent does come through a bit. He has an amazing, unique accent in person. Let’s face it, most Americans will not be able to tell the difference anyway.”
Richie Allen says:
“I check here and let the Russian gangster take the lead. I don’t know, was he was speaking Russian?!”
Joe Whittaker says:
“I like trying to get as much money into the pot as possible in this spot. Our range for betting should be like any pair, a bunch of gutter/overcard combination hands, so the strength of our hand will be disguised.”
James Keys says:
“This is by far the worst of John Malkovich’s many terrible performances over the years, he should deserve some kind of credit for getting it so wrong. I think possibly he was on a windup and couldn’t believe he got away with it himself. On the flop I probably bet out. A check-raise will put Teddy on the back foot. Check-calling is OK, but risks the chance that it will go check-check on the turn and you’ll miss value.”
James Atkin says:
“I quite like a lead out here, there's every chance he's flopped a pair, or at least a gutshot. Both these hands at least call and we might get raised. Does Jeremy Spake speaking Russian on Airport several years ago count?”
You check.
Teddy bets $2,000.
What’s your move? Do you think we’re going to make it out of here alive? Do you have a getaway plan?
Eoin Kennedy says:
“Massive overbet by Teddy. 2,000 into a 400 pot. I flat call hoping our aggressive opponent will continue to try and push us around. I would leave out the ‘I’ll gamble line’ and replace it with ‘I call’”
Gareth Cash says:
“He bets 2,000 into the 400 pot? Looks like he has something good, unless he does this all the time. I’d raise at this point - if he has two pair or a set he’s not folding, and if we just call and an eight or nine comes on the turn it’ll kill our action. We only have 9,800 so I’d probably either minimum raise or shove it all in. Slow-playing is fine if the guy is nuts and overbets with air all the time and fires multiple barrel bluffs in limped pots, but I haven’t met too many people like that.”
Adam Latimer says:
“With such a ridiculous overbet, Teddy surely has a very strong hand or absolute air. Because of this I would just call the bet, so that he can continue to bluff on later streets or value bet his made hands.
Teddy KGB seems quite tame for a member of the Russian mafia. Malkovich got taken down pretty easily by Jet Li in Kiss of the Dragon, plus Matt Damon was Jason Bourne who’s pretty handy in a fight.”
Richie Allen says:
“I like to smooth call here. I’m happy to be shot out the back just as long as I ‘stick’ it to Teddy before I die. I will beat my way out of there with my new Black Belt Poker skills.”
Joe Whittaker says:
“If you for some reason decided not to bet the flop, a check-raise here is mandatory, you’re really deep at this point and you need to start piling money in the pot. Furthermore, we can take the lead in the hand and decide on subsequent streets when the money is going in.”
James Keys says:
“I think in reality the blinds were much smaller than 100/200 and this is yet another one of the ridiculous overbets that go on throughout their game. The best is where Mike gets K-K and opens to 20 times the big blind preflop, then Teddy reraises to 50 times and folds to an all-in.”
James Atkin says:
“It's probably best to flat call this large bet and go for a raise further down the line; we are only really looking to avoid an eight or nine hitting the turn which could kill our action. I'd have a Segway parked right near the table.”
You say, “I’ll gamble” and make the call.
“You’re on a draw, Mike,” claims Teddy. “Go away, this one is no good for you.”
Turn: 2c
What’s your move? Who in the poker world would be sick enough to win the money they owe a mafia boss, and then risk it all again in an effort to win more?
Eoin Kennedy says:
“Mike is defintely the definition of bad bankroll management. I check again, Teddy’s speech play on the flop would make me believe he will fire again.”
Gareth Cash:
“Since we check-called the flop it seems sensible to check again, since the only reason we did that is because we think he’s a crazy bluffing maniac.
There are plenty of people sick enough to do that! Mike Matusow seems like a likely candidate, Doyle Brunson’s probably been there and done it.”
Adam Latimer says:
“I would check again to induce a bet for the reasons above. I could publicly name and shame some equally sick poker players, but I won’t.”
Richie Allen says:
“This is a gin turn and a must check. Easy answer - Dave Shallow.”
Joe Whittaker says:
“Because of Teddy’s awful speech play, I’d probably just check to him and let him start bluffing. It also continues to tell the story that we’re drawing (and deception is always good). We should be mindful that we’re minimising the pot size which is going to make it easier for him to get away later, but it can’t be horrible to let him do the betting for us in this spot.”
James Keys says:
“Now we’ve started down this route, I’d keep handing him rope by checking and calling. If the river bricks out again and you think he’s smart enough to check behind you can always make a ridiculous 10 times pot shove knowing that such a bet is pretty inconspicuous in this game and you’ll probably get looked up by third pair saying, ‘I thought you were bluffing’”
James Atkin says:
“I check this one back hoping he bets again. Perhaps BlueScouse's blog will include something along the lines of this kind of sickness one day?”
You check.
“Big daddy bets the pot,” gleams Teddy as he splashes $4,300 into the middle.
What’s your move? Do you think Grosvenor Casino would let Teddy in dressed like that?
Eoin Kennedy says:
“Against most opponents, raise, but with the situation as it is, we know Teddy is likely to fire one more barrel onto the river as he knows we’re playing incredibly scared with our entire bankroll and life on the table.”
Gareth Cash says:
“If we call we only have 3,500 left. May as well raise and stick them all in now.”
Adam Latimer says:
“At this point, I would reraise all in. All the bluffs of Teddy’s range will likely give up on the river anyway with the effective stack sizes. Lots of made hands will call the raise because Teddy is so committed now. Even with the Vic’s new relaxed dress code, I just don’t think a bright red tracksuit will cut it.”
Richie Allen says:
“Just ship the rest in as Teddy is pretty much committed. I doubt it very much, he would probably call his close friend Neil Channing and I’m sure he could pull a few strings for Teddy.”
Joe Whittaker says:
“Probably call and pray for a blank so he’ll bet again. If the stacks were shallower then it might be right to check-raise here, but I’m happy sticking to the story we’re telling.”
James Keys says:
“Call. I still think any check-raise will alert Teddy that something is amiss and put him on the defensive. The Grosvenor Casino in Newcastle would let someone in wearing a Man United shirt and their pyjama bottoms if they played enough blackjack.”
James Atkin says:
“With only like $4,000 back, I don't mind shipping it in. It's either that or flat call and open ship the river as we don't want him to check behind his decent showdown hands. I think he'd be okay as long as he isn't wearing a hoody. Pretty much anything is acceptable other than that!”
You call.
River: As
“It hurts, doesn’t it,” brags Teddy. “You can’t believe what fell. All your dreams… dust. Hopes down the fucking drain. Your fate sits beside you. That ace could not have helped you. I bet it all.”
Teddy moves all in.
How long do you take before calling with the nuts and what kind of rubdown would you serve up?
Eoin Kennedy says:
“I think I turn it over straight away and probably skip the rubdown. I want to increase my chances of leaving the place alive with my money as much as is possible.”
Gareth Cash says:
“There are good times and bad times to slowroll… This is probably a bad time. Call quickly and quietly and try not to get murdered.”
Adam Latimer says:
“I’d probably use up all but one second of my time bank, while typing in the chat box, ‘I’m so sure you’re bluffing me. This is such a tough spot, etc.’ Once I called, something along the line of 'That’s what I’m taking about, baby! Whoooooo!! I worked that guy! I worked you, I worked you! You thought I was being a wuss but I had the nuts the whole time, that’s what time it is! You gotta watch? Coz that’s what time it is!'”
Richie Allen says:
“I think I would get on my phone and find out how to say, 'Ship it!' in Russian then order a Moscow Mule from the bar, call, and then let him have it.
Joe Whittaker says:
“I’d call pretty fast here with the nuts and avoid slowrolling someone connected to the top of the Russian mafia.”
James Keys says:
“The biggest rubdown would be to snap-call as fast as you could possibly say the words 'I call', Phil Hellmuth style, demand to see Teddy’s cards when he tries to muck, then walk around the room with your arms in the air, shouting your own name.”
James Atkins says:
“I would only ever slowroll Tim Flanders, so I imagine I'd insta-call. I don't think I'd have the cojones to conjure up much of a rubdown to a Mafia boss. Tim Flanders on the other hand, and I'd have a fair amount of ammo. Perhaps I'd suggest that Pippa wouldn't lose all her chips in that spot?”
The Reveal: You smile, flip over the nuts, fist-pump-chair-swivel (I added that last bit). Teddy says, ‘Very nice hand, sir, well played. You’d never have sexual relations with your mother, and I really like how you kept checking. Good game.”