To the inexperienced, Las Vegas can be a daunting, somewhat overwhelming experience; an illuminated adult theme park with more temptations than a pic ‘n’ mix and potential pitfalls that would take even Bear Grylls surprise. Despite this being my seventh outing, I still stumble through a few unexpected trapdoors, and return home thinking, “Why didn’t I do this?” and “I why didn’t I bring that?”
With these trepidations in mind and my next Vegas venture pending, I decided to browse the Internet with the assistance of Google in search of any vital reminders that could make ‘surviving’ Sin City a much smoother process. Unfortunately, I hit an early obstacle when I was immediately presented with a link titled ‘Johnny Vegas back in PG Tips ad’. Thinking others might fall at the same hurdle, I decided to delve into my own backlog of Vegas experiences to see if I could construct my very own ‘Tips for Vegas’ and, perhaps, aid those Vegas virgins currently searching for wisdom pearls to attach to their travelling necklaces.
I expect I’ve missed out a few sparkling gems – and if I have, please feel free to shout them out from the rooftops – but, nonetheless, my top 10 results were as follows:
10. Wear gloves; Michael Jackson knew the score
I don’t know if I’m alone in my torture, but everything I touch in Vegas gives me a static shock. I must have lived as a party balloon in a previous life, or maybe I’ve been sleep-TV-screen-licking again, but, either way, I find myself constantly living in fear of the world of physics for an entire month while out in Vegas.
It was so bad one time that, after just one week, I was pulling my sleeve over my paw whenever I approached a door, and standing with my hands aloft as I descended an escalator. The worst scenario was cashing out my tickets in the casinos. In some venues, you have to touch the screen of the redeemer to reclaim your winnings, and this could prove a most daunting prospect.
Like Paul Burrell dipping his arm into a rat-ridden hole, I would close my eyes, squeal like a girl and tap the screen with the very tip of my index finger. Almost without fail, I would receive a shock. It didn’t end there though, as I would have to undergo the ordeal all over again as I reached in for my change. Buzz. Argh!
Always check the change machine; you just never know who has travelled the same treacherous path as myself, yet forked down a safe, less lucrative route at the final moment.
9. Shuttle up and deal; bus it!
Vegas is like a Willy Wonka illusion; although everything may appear, at first glance, to be in close proximity, but once you hit The Strip you realise that it can be quite a jaunt to go from Bellgio to the Rio. Considering the soaring heat, any such rambles will be akin to crossing the Sahara desert during its holiday season.
What to do? It’s simples: either shell out for a taxi or, better yet, ship the shuttle buses. They travel back and forth from various casinos throughout the day and are absolutely free. Bingo bango!
8. Step Away from the Remote Control!
American TV can be a harrowing experience to the unexpecting traveller, and those who prefer their eyes not to bleed and shed tears simultaneously should refrain from even looking at the remote control, never mind touching it.
Crumble to temptation and you’ll be subjected to an onslaught of adverts, cyclical news and moustachioed dudes playing rounders, with a smidgen of entertainment concealed inbetween. Although seeing people hit a ball and run around a circle can make croquet look thrilling, the biggest vomit-inducer are the adverts, which are manipulative to the point of being quite shocking to the educated viewer.
Constant pokes to ring a lawyer, take a pill you don’t need, or grow a six-pack to improve the quality of your life are rather overwhelming and make me thankful that the credits and opening sequences of our shows aren’t segregated by such brainwashing poppycock.
7. Cleanliness is next to godliness
It only takes a fortnight for me to run out of clothes. Granted, I only visit a clothes store once a year to replenish my sock collection, but I would still advise you to be wary of the potential of being forced to turn those boxers inside out.
Last time I was in Vegas, I was forced to scrub my undies in the shower with a disintegrating soap, which then led to severe crustiness as they dried. It’s a strange feeling putting on cardboard pants, so either find yourself a good launderette or, better still, save yourself a few dimes and bring some cleaning products along for the ride.
6. Her name doesn’t always have to be ‘Rio’
I continue to be amazed by the amount of players who confine themselves to the Rio and seem to think there are no other tournaments to be had. Bracelets are certainly desirable, but so is a deep-stacked poker comp, the majority of which are found elsewhere.
The Bellagio, Venetian, and even the Horseshoe Downtown host well-received festivals come World Series time, yet people still seem magnetised by the potential glitz and glamour of a WSOP win. Spread those wings and taste the rainbow.
5. Toilet talk
Going to the toilet in Vegas is a game a chess; one wrong move and you’re going be left in a right mess. My personal experience has been one of misery and I’ve been check-mated on multiple occasions.
The toilets use an automated censor flush, the workings of which continue to bemuse me. When I want it to flush, it doesn’t and I’m forced to leave an unwelcome gift for my predecessor; and if I don’t want it to flush, it does, and I find myself my posterior soaked by the oncoming rapids. I just can’t seem to win and exclaiming, ‘I’m not finished!’ to an inanimate object never has the desired effect, nor does dancing around with my trousers around my ankles trying to reactivate a stubborn censor.
Is this a tip? I guess not; it’s a warning. Be prepared for turmoil!
4. Here’s a tip
In America, everyone expects to be tipped, whether it’s the waitresses, the taxi drivers or the homeless dude begging for money. At the Rio buffet, they even have the cheek to ask if you want to tip upon entering.
If you want to avoid finding saliva in your burger, do yourself a favour and change up those big bills so you’ve always got a stack of singles in your back pocket. And whatever you do, don’t tip a ton by mistake – you wouldn’t be the first.
3. The Queen’s is King
A couple of years back, Paul Jackson was informed by a dealer that it was: “English only at the table, please.” However, don’t fret, as not all Americans confuse the Black Country accent with Clingon, as one squeak of the Queen’s and the women will fall at your feet like Bond girls to a Roger Moore raised eyebrow.
Like the pied piper of norkage, the words ‘chap’, ‘bloody ‘ell’ and ‘rather’ will see you tailed by a line of beautiful women in a matter of seconds, all of whom possess a total disregard for your degenerative looks as long as you lack that American twang.
2. Condition yourself for air-conditioning
Moisturiser, chapstick lip balm and a wide selection of woolly jumpers are a must in Vegas, if only to combat the ruthless air-conditioning that viciously attacks the very surface of your skin. First-time visitors may arrive in Bermuda shorts with legs whiter than an Albino ghost, but indoors is colder than a mother-in-law’s kiss and will soon see our naïve Brits encased in an epidemic of goose pimples. My skin even developed an assortment of rashes last year, none of which had anything to do with my impromptu visit to Spearmint Rhyno.
1. The Devil’s favourite game
Like Dracula after a month of fasting, video poker will clamp its fangs into you and not let go until every drop of life has been sucked from your body. It may appear fun at first, but as soon as you realise the shocking odds on offer, the reality of ever hitting that royal flush and the fact that your White Russian is now going to cost 50 dollars, you ought to be despising video poker as much as I do. If you are going to play, then at least play the top level of a smaller-stake game so you get more bleeps for the same investment when you hit a hand. Better still, stay away!
Got a Vegas tip yourself; let us know by posting in the comments box below.
WSOP Content:
Vegas 11: Operation Bracelet
A Happy Median - Snoopy
Vegas, Baby - Jerome Bradpiece
Vegas: Advice from the Pros
Paint It Black - Part One: Wassup With WSOP?
The Vegas Cherry - Hugo Martin
Cashing In; Where to Play Cash in Vegas - Sam Razavi