Continued from Part One…
Welcome back to the sixth annual academy awards… for poker, and it’s that time in the evening when we place our hand over our mouths and quickly mumble the winners of the ‘supposedly’ less prestigious awards.
Makeup: blimey, take your pick
Writing (Original Update): Notts Live blog, of course
Visual Effects: Warren Wooldridge’s WSOP final table illusion (Copperfield would be proud)
Music: anyone but the Devilfish
Foreign Language Player: that Heinz chap did okay
Costume Design: whoever coordinates Liv Boeree’s wardrobe
Sound Editing: my edtiing is alwyas sound
Now we've rattled through them, let's get back to business…
**POSCAR #7**
SUSPECT HAIRSTYLE... of the year
And the winner is... James Dempsey
2010 = Viktor Blom
Before (young, hairy, empty-pocketed, and untainted):
After (approaching the big 3-0, bald as a stroked spider, rubbing notes on his titties, and tainted by the world of poker):
Whether he should be eligible for this award or not is debatable, and, indeed, he is missing both key ingredients of the word ‘hairstyle’, but poker’s Uncle Fester requires inclusion in this year’s Poscars if only for his fantastic flag-flying performance in Vegas when he became the latest member of an elite, and barren group: UK WPT winners.
In fact, only a mid-boom suited and booted Devilfish (assuming my statisticians are on song) has topped the podium on US soil besides Flushy, with Surinder Sunar, John Gale, Roland De Wolfe, Jake Cody and, most recently, Dave Shallow thriving on other shores.
But despite this achievement, it was the newly revealed cue ball that was – quite literally – soaking up the majority of the spotlight, and indeed it would continue to do so in post-match celebrations as overzealous railers couldn’t help but touch and slap his shiny bonce as the cameras rolled.
James Dempsey: the one-man Right Said Fred tribute band. Now too sexy for the WPT and currently dazzling opponents in the Aussie Millions. For visual evidence of his follicles (or lack of), check out this before-and-after shot, the 'before' being a circa five-year photo I found lingering in the depths of my hard drive.
**POSCAR #8**
ALCOHOL ENTHUSIAST... of the year
And the winner is… Daniel Edler
2010 = Ilhari 'Ziigmund' Sahamies
When a shitfaced Bill Smith defeats one of the world’s greatest poker players to win the WSOP Main Event (TJ Cloutier – 1985) and a sozzled Scotty Nguyen collects a near two-million after verbally abusing his fellow $50K H.O.R.S.E. finalists, it’s tough to consider poker a sport. In fact, you could argue that even darts is a more athletic recreation, despite Andy Fordham retiring from a match due to excessive heat (and, perhaps, his pre-match 25 lagers) and requiring an industrial fan to prevent meltdown.
Indeed, poker is brimming with devil juice fans: whether it’s last year’s winner Ziigmund, Bobby Hoff’s binges of yesteryear, or, well, the Irish, alcohol has always boasted some form of relationship with poker, and an untimely bustout is often proceeded by a timely visit to the nearest bar.
The Black Belt Nottingham Live was no different, and I find it nigh on impossible to ignore the incredible consumption achievements of Daniel Edler whose affinity to Jägerbombs (I recall him ordering around 30 for his table, at one point) led to excessive hugging and occasional bouts of song, before finally being escorted off the premises by security, who he likely tried to buy a Jäger for…
Perhaps his greatest feat was that he still managed to see the night out in the bars of Nottingham when us mere mortals would have been slouched over the curb and lining the streets with DTD’s finest beverages. A true competitor.
**POSCAR #9**
MOST AESTHETICALLY PLEASING PERSON TO SIT AT A POKER TABLE... of the year
And the joint winners are... Patrik and Maya Antonius
2010 = Liv Boeree
In fear of being labeled sexist and strung up by my love spheres, I made a slight edit to the award formerly known as Norkage of the Year so that it encapsulated both genders, allowing us to acknowledge the Brad Pitts of poker as well as the Angelina Jolies.
At the same time, I was concerned that changing the name as a mere safety net to allow me to publish a picture of the latest silicons to touch the felt would be somewhat transparent, so, in what is a Poscar first, I’ve decided to spread the love and award the most prestigious trophy of the night to not one, but two fierce and worthy competitors.
In a game that requires hours of sitting on your posterior and wiping chip grease from your hands, it’s an oddity to see someone as chiseled as Patrik grace the felt, and indeed if it weren’t for the restrictions of tradition then he would surely have replaced Michelangelo’s David by now and be staring at Florence with that same blank, stoic expression that we’ve become so accustomed to.
It was also of no surprise to find that his other half was equally as inviting, and as soon as Maya (pictured - left) emerged she inevitably triggered a domino effect of ‘Yep, would tap that in a heartbeat’ posts with the occasional, yet inevitable below-par rating of ‘Not bad, I give her a five out of ten’ from the acne-ridden school kids alternating between trolling poker forums and completing their latest quest in World of Warcraft.
**POSCAR #10**
TOURNEY... of the year
And the winner is… WSOPE
2010 = WSOP Main Event
Please, don’t be alarmed. This is indeed a ‘serious’ award, and there are more to come!
My globetrotting days appear to be behind me, so I’m heavily reliant on the poker grape vine this year, but thanks to the prevalence of Twitter, Facebook and the like, it’s quickly become apparent that the WSOPE [World Series of Poker Europe] in Cannes is now one of the most popular dates on the calendar following its long overdue move from the tourist-heavy depths of Leicester Square and the cramped and logistical nightmare-inducing surroundings of the Empire Casino.
Now boasting such luxuries as hot weather, nice hotels, a welcome injection of ‘locals', good organisation (despite sharing a home with the oft controversial Partouche), and the ability to reach for your cards without elbowing some drunk railer just inches away, the WSOPE has been well-received by all who have attended and appears to have set off to a splendid start.
**POSCAR #11**
BLACK BELT POKER DIDN'T HE DO WELL... of the year
And the winner is… Sam Razavi
2010 = James Mitchell - Irish Open
There was so much for Black Belt Poker’s accountants to be proud of this year: Richard Ashby’s two WSOP finals, Warren’s – still mystical and unexplained – third place finish in Event #54, Kevin Williams’ win in the iPoker $200,000 GTD – the list goes on.
But perhaps the loudest and longest applause should be directed at Sam Razavi and his sudden ascent to stardom. Pulled from the gutter and spared of a life of poverty and prostitution, Sam was invited to partake in the Black Belt Poker Grading, which he subsequently turned into an Aussie Millions package. His rare foray into tournament surroundings would ultimately result in a sixth place finish for $A225,000, instant promotion to Black Belt, and the first name on the BBP Christmas card list.
But it didn’t end there. As the newest face of the brand, Sam went on to become UKIPT Cork Champion for €71,000, UKIPT Leaderboard Winner, and Neil Channing impressionist extraordinaire, all the while tearing it up online in the heads-up cash games. Anyone who can get away with wearing a tiny little Irish hat and giant ginger beard whilst nurturing a leprachaun at the table certainly deserves my praise at least.
**POSCAR #12**
BLIMEY, I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING... of the year
And the winner is… Zimnan Ziyard
2010 = James Bord
image: pokerstars/neil stoddart
As Warren Wooldridge correctly pointed out in the office, Zimnan Ziyard would be an illegal move in Scrabble due to the lack of zeds, but, nevertheless, 36 points (and that’s without any triple letter or words bonuses) is a mighty fine score, and perhaps one of the highest ever witnessed for an EPT winner.
But not only is Zimnan’s unique name rather impressive, but so was his rise from unknown online pro to King of Greece, where he became EPT Loutraki Champion after surviving an epic final table that would make a Neil Channing anecdote look brief. The €347,000 first prize would be a mere drop in the debt ocean for the home nation, but it will surely impact the Ziyard bankroll, and hopefully lead to him appearing more on the live scene.
So, back to the original question: Where the hell did he come from? Check out our recent New Year Interview to find out…
**POSCAR #13**
SIGN HIM UP!... of the year
And the winner is… Rupert Elder
2010 = Jake Cody
Hopefully my words of 12 months previous led to Cody’s recent relations with PKR and I’m now due a percentage of any profits (okay, that may be delusional and somewhat far-fetched), but, if anything, they acted as an accurate premonition that I can now offer this year’s winner: Rupert Elder.
Joining the ever-increasing list of nice-guys-finishing-first, Rupert is as amicable and laid-back as they come, and, unlike many a poker player, has worked doggedly to grind out a comfortable living in the game, be it his successful online career or his recent excursion to San Remo where he departed with the silverware and a cheque that would make other EPT prizes look like the collections of a moody street chugger. Add to that €930,000-booty a deep run in the WSOP Main Event for $54,851 and Rupert could be someone you’d want stick a logo on for the duration of 2012.
I would chant “Sign him up!” incessantly, but the last time I did that was when Aston Villa bought Stan Collymore and I’ve refused to repeat it since.
***
And that’s a wrap for Part Two. Have a break, replenish, refuel, and empty the tank, and we’ll see you again in a few days for the concluding chapter of this year’s Poscars in which we’ll be knighting the year’s true overachievers, as well as some who achieved exactly what you were expecting them to.
Read Part Two...