I'd all but closed the book on the lowly acclaimed and uncelebrated Poscars, but with the number of benign (in my opinion, of course) poker ceremonies doing the rounds at the moment, I felt morally obliged to resurrect them for a fifth consecutive year in order to celebrate our fine country's achievements over the last 12 months.
Now, that doesn't mean that I don't respect the public vote, but when James Dempsey wins Best Online Player having failed to turn his laptop on for six months and Matt Perrins Best Mixed Game Player when he only really plays Hold'em, it's difficult to see this branch of the industry contesting the prestige of the Oscars any time soon.
As Winston Churchill warned (he sure said a lot that guy!), "To change is to improve," and so I've steered the Poscars into the pitstop for a change of tyres: gone are categories such as Blog of the Year (pseudo reason: because there are fewer blogs; real reason: because Neil beat me for Best Blog of the Year and I'm still bitter) and the sure-to-be-sorely-missed Guns of the Year (which, I might add, I won four times on the trot), whilst making their debut in the lineup are Rascal of the Year and Master of the Universe… of the Year, the latter giving a knowing nod to globe's most talented run-gooder of 2011.
So, without further ado (although I can hear trumpets in my head), I bring you the opening chapter of the 2011 Poscars, a brief, but hopefully mildly amusing and interesting look back at the last 12 months of sex, drugs and poker. Okay, there's no sex and drugs, but you get the idea.
**POSCAR #1**
ARGH!... of the year
And the winner is... Black Friday
2010 = UIGEA
In a year that was dominated by oppression and vested-interest-politics, it would be unceremonious for me not to kick-off proceedings with Black Friday. Although I'm hesitant - and indeed, it's rather ironic - to present an award to not only an abstract form, but also an event that ruffled so many of the industry's feathers, you simply can't ignore the impact that this dark, dank day had on the poker world: careers - albeit ones where you sit in your underwear all day - were lost, one's freedom to play a $5 SNG was brushed aside, and, most importantly for those located this side of the Pond, some wealthy, big wig poked a vacuum into the aquarium and sucked out a horde of fishes that were already considered an endangered species.
Most disconcertingly, however, April 15 - a date which many are, perhaps with a smidgen of overreaction and in surreal comparison to the Kennedy assassination, asking, 'Where were you when the pokers broke?' - signified a step back for a recreation that was in desperate need of three steps forward, and once again proved that poker was far from considered a 'skill game'.
In the process, it also sent the message to the public, that ‘this is a game we don't support’, and one that you need to give a wide berth. The poker boom is long gone, and although other markets are hopefully being tapped into, further slowing down the injection of new blood into the veins of the game is possibly the most niggling and problematic issue of all.
**POSCAR #2**
OUTRAGEOUS SCANDAL... of the year
And the winner is… Full Tilt Poker
2010 = Ali Tekintamgac
This, naturally, leads us onto the second award of the evening: Full Tilt Poker, worthy winners I'm sure you'll agree. For a full history of events, please check out our The Full (Tilt) Story article, but for those seeking a one-line conclusion, let's go for this: Full Tilt spent all your money, and then felt some rear-end insertion courtesy of the DoJ.
"When we're ready," was the rather tilt-inducing (if you will excuse the pun) catchphrase of Howard Lederer, but it was one that became indicative of the lack of respect that players - and ultimately their money - had been given as the realisation soon set in that any funds were unlikely to be reimbursed. But then, out of the blue, the Tapie family flew in with their capes flapping in the wind, and a bright light of hope beamed through the monitors once again. Crooks, perhaps, but who cares - monies were going to be returned!
As for Full Tilt's top dogs, silence has remained rife, but ungolden, and although much remains unclear, and it's feasible that the accused have merely been gagged by the nuances of US law and are far less deserving of the cyber stoning they're currently suffering, somebody somewhere made either a huge mistake, or selfish decision, yet is likely sipping cocktails from a Caribbean sun lounger. Monies may return to accounts, but will those responsible for such epic mismanagement be brought to justice? If not, then maybe the DoJ should consider a change of name.
Of course, this isn't to try and overshadow any other detrimental events that occurred. Like no year previous, 2011 was sadly littered with more scandals than a working day at the News of the World, with Ultimate Bet continuing its downhill descent of the ethics’ slide, a couple of loophole-finders winning PokerStars’ 70-billionth hand in unscrupulous fashion, and, unfortunately, many, many more. If ever there was a year that screamed regulation, it was 2011.
**POSCAR #3**
RASCAL… of the year
and the winner is… Jose ‘Girah’ Macedo
New category
Although Messieurs Ferguson and Lederer would prove the more obvious option, I've decided to punt for new kid on the block: Jose 'Girah' Macedo, the Portuguese Scamming Prodigy who came up with the ingenious idea of encouraging his trainees to play an unknown fish at heads-up whilst he watched.
Of course, suspicions were aroused when said fish miraculously turned into a winning player overnight as Jose cried 'variance' and invited them to take another stab. It didn't require Columbo and his wonky eye to decipher this mystery, and before the scam had barely got off the ground, Macedo was outed on the Two Plus Two forums as a fraud and a con man.
He did apologise though…
What perhaps did call for the investigative powers of Agatha Christie's finest, however, was the precise involvement of Haseeb Qureshi and Daniel 'jungleman12' Cates who were considered by the conspiracy theorists to be orchestrators of the entire scam, despite both protesting their innocence beyond simply staking Macedo and assisting him with his profile. Whilst Quereshi wrote a blog of War and Peace proportions before scarpering, Cates was left to face the intense questioning of Subject: Poker's Vanessa Selbst and Noah Stephens-Davidowitz, a lean-mean-grilling machine that makes the Spanish Inquisition look diffident.
For further details on the cheeky monkey's antics, click this non-pornographic and spam-free link.
**POSCAR #4**
DOH...! of the year
And the winner is… Epic Poker League
2010 = EPT Berlin
It's been a shaky start for the Epic Poker League. For a venture that’s main goal was to show poker in a positive light, it was likely with much disdain that their opening Champion just happened to have been unveiled as, well, how can I put this, a little too forgetful when it comes to borrowing money.
With Two Plus Two providing the platform yet again, it soon became apparent that Chino Rheem owed money to numerous players - Ben Lamb, Tom Dwan, and Joseph Cheong to name three - and wasn't showing any interest in paying them back. You may wonder why someone with $4.7 million in tournament winnings needs to dip into external pockets, but the more integral question is perhaps why Rheem was allowed to play in the first place given his shoddy reputation prior to the event.
Of course, the likely answer is that the EPL were reacting to bad press rather than truly being concerned with any kind of ethical code, as enforcing their rules of conduct simply can not be achieved with any kind of consistency - as was showcased when they barred qualifier Michael Devita for a minor sex offence (he mooned in a public toilet many er… moons ago, if I recall the story correctly), yet allowed John Racener to play despite his three DUI's.
For an organisation that boasts a former Ultimate Bet representative as its commish - and one, I should add, who continued to promote the company following the superuser scandal of 2008 - and a lineup that would be sliced in half if they were to truly adopt the letter of their own laws, this self-portrayed image of moral crusaders is simply not effective and left them with a tarnished reputation that they'd been working so doggedly to avoid.
I'll conclude with this joke that made me chuckle around the time:
"Chino, what will you do with the one-million dollars first prize?"
"Pay off debts."
"And the rest?"
"Well… I guess they'll have to wait."
**POSCAR #5**
LOL!... of the year
And the winner is... PokerStars sit-up protest
2010: Durrrr's almost brings down poker economy
Considering the absurd pomp and circumstance of his entrances, Hellmuth’s near bracelet wins were a close contender. As each year goes by empty-wristed and with – until last year’s unexpected hiatus – Phil Ivey snapping at his heels like a starved alligator, the pressure to actually walk the talk is inevitably building, and you can almost smell his desperate desire to inscribe a 12th notch onto his WSOP bed-post. It was, therefore, of great delight to his critics that he fell short by a gnat’s pubic hair on not one, but two occasions, and would once again be returning next year with the same, yet less impressive-by-the-year claim to bracelet fame.
Whilst on the one hand, seeing him squirm like a three-legged ferret is devilishly satisfying and fuel for unified laughter, the other paw suggests that if those failures have netted you over $1.3 million and garnered previously lacking respect from your peers (one was, if you recall, the highly acclaimed $50,000 H.O.R.S.E.), then maybe it is The Poker Brat who is laughing uncontrollably.
So, instead, the award goes to PokerStars. Following recent changes to their VPP [VIP Player Points] calculations - in which rake is now weighted towards pot-contribution rather than the previous equal-share approach (good news for fish and LAGs; bad news for high volume grinders) - PokerStars were subjected to the inevitable revolt when the latter group of cyber soldiers voted with their posteriors, filling up tables, ticking the 'sit out' button, and refusing to budge in a manner reminiscent of the across-the-Channel protest from last year.
But unlike the French revolution, PokerStars refused to succumb to demands, simply responding with a raise of the arm, and a severe beating with the ban stick (some accounts were locked outright whilst the more fortunate members found their playing privelages removed), thus reminding the poker world that they are in charge and disproving the clichéd theory that 'the customer is always right'.
Now, I’m not knocking PokerStars, and indeed I think players can demand a little too much at times when you consider how rake has become the hugely expensive norm – but you have to force out a rye smile when a poker company becomes so big that when players complain and rebel, they can swat them like flies and still continue to flourish. Must be nice.
**POSCAR #6**
CELEBRITY BANDWAGON-JUMPER... of the year
And the winner is… Mr. Bank
2010 = Evander Holyfield
When the poker boom first exploded, you couldn’t keep celebrities away from the game; every B to Z-lister wanted their piece of their pie, and the cardrooms were quick to snap them up in an effort to widen their demographic.
A UIGEA, recession and educational revolution later and the climate has changed so dramatically that the celebrities (and I really do use that term in its loosest of senses) are no longer considered hot property (or, perhaps more accurately, affordable/worth the investment), and the Poscar that was once fiercely competed over by every retired sports star and failed model is now unable to locate a deserving recipient.
Although sorely tempted to recognise the achievements of individuals like Beth Shak who are attempting the rarely seen reverse-bluff of using a fabricated poker reputation to infiltrate the celebrity world, the Poscar is left in limbo and might as well head over to the banks who were the main perpetrators of the financial mess and thus made poker a luxury to many rather than an affordable past time.
I’m sure the silverware will come as a welcome ‘bonus’.
***
And on that bitter note, we enter into our first interval of the night. Cue: crappy Billy Crystal gag, some weird skit involving Will Farrell, and various shots of ‘stars’ clapping and smiling. Join us in a few days for part deux.
Read Part Two...